Feelings and Thoughts

They say that you go through several stages when confronted with news of cancer, tumor, or other life-changing situation; shock, denial, anger, grief, acceptance, etc. I clearly remember the shock when at 8:30am the morning after having the MRI I received an unexpected phone call saying bluntly "There was a mass found on the MRI". I sat for a minute and then called my husband Frank and just told him bluntly, not considering the fact that he was at work operating some sort of heavy machinery. I then called my Mom at work and probably ruined the rest of her day. Next up was a call to my Dad and a good friend, Larry. I don't think that I was scared, I think I was in a state of disbelief....I feel fine how can I have a tumor in my head? Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this would happen to me.

After that first day I have tackled this from a research viewpoint. I have scoured the internet looking for websites, message boards, forums, etc that have information on meningiomas. Some of that research has paid off in that I am being seen by one of the most internationally respected Neurosurgeons at a top notch brain tumor center and it is only about 60 miles from my home. I have also met via the internet a number of people who have a similar tumor, have had the same Doctor or hospital, or are newly diagnosed. It makes me feel good to be able to pass along the info I have compiled to people who are also just starting this journey.

One week from today is the last full day I will spend at home since we will be heading up to Boston the day before my surgery. I can start to hear the days ticking down in my head. I know from my last surgery, which was scheduled 6 weeks before the actual operation, that the waiting is definately the hardest part. The day after tomorrow I will be at Brigham & Women's Hospital for pre-op testing and have been told to expect to be there for 4 to 6 hours. I'm sure after that point the reality that in slightly less the one week I will be undergoing a major surgery on my head will finally hit in. People have told me that I am handling this better then they would, that I'm amazing and an inspiration for posting a bit of the research I've found and not falling apart. I think they all underestimate themselves. In the past I've fought with depression and anxiety and never would have guessed that I would be so calm and assured. When I first heard the diagnosis I was very afraid that I might go "to the dark side". I have had two or three mini crying breakdowns but those have been brief and out of frustration (my dentist problem or the person who thought I was looking for sympathy). Mostly I am looking at this as a positive thing which I know may sound strange. I think a good portion of that has to do with the fact that I tend to be proactive in my health care and always try to find the best doctor that is available. I am so confident in Dr Black and actually all the doctors I have seen that I have only the slightest bit of apprehension. I'm trying to focus on the fact that this tumor was found by accident before it could do much damage or grow to the point that it can't be removed, thinking positive instead of asking "why me?". Asking why me leads to self pity which leads to depression and I'm trying hard not to go there, it is not a good place, especially since I totally plan to beat this thing so it doesn't come back! Instead I continue to focus on things like the fact that I like to wear hats and scarves so this gives me a reason to buy a few new ones...another positive thing :-)